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Johnson's major contribution to society came in while he was screwing around at home working on something silly and trivial, like a new type of heat pump. Heat pumps normally Maryville TN sex dating Freon gas, but Johnson was trying to make one that worked off of water alone. When he switched on the pump, water fired out and slammed into the shower curtain with way more force than he had expected, and the idea of heat transfer suddenly seemed a whole lot less interesting than shooting some poor son of a bitch right in the face with it.

So Johnson turned his new pumping system into the Super Soaker, and Larami Corporation marketed it with the slogan "Wetter is better" a suspiciously adult slogan for a children's toy. The product brought in nearly a billion dollars after a decade of sales, and Johnson used that money to do the responsible thing: That one silly invention has helped his research company develop new methods for generating electricity from heat and more efficient ways to store energy in batteries.

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That company happened to be a carpet cleaning service, because real life is not above using contrivances straight out of some shitty Lifetime movie. And Free chat room in Montclair California, the LA riots happened. InNewton was on his way to a peace rally. The police officers accused of beating Rodney King had just been acquitted, spurring the week-long race riots that would result in more than 50 deaths and 2, injuries.

Lopez was then hit in the head with speakers that nearly tore Looking for fuck in Imougzene ear off, kicked, and stripped, and he endured his genitals being spray-painted black. On top of all that, he was doused with gasoline, presumably to be set on fire.

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Do I have to do everything around here? Lopez and Newton stayed in touch, and when Newton was suffering from leukemia, Lopez often visited him at his bedside. The reverend passed away a year later, so we guess you could say that the LA riots turned out to be the final act in Newton's comeback story Well, part of the reason so many made it out is because one guy knew it was coming. He was Senior cock sucker in orange county regular old security Senior cock sucker in orange county for financial firm Morgan Stanley, and his name was Rick Rescorla.

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They were obviously unsuccessful, but they left an impression on Rescorla, who by the way had actually approached the city of New York about the WTC's security weaknesses before the bombing but was told in no uncertain terms to mind his own business. So, when Rescorla was promoted to director of security for Morgan Stanley i. Rescorla, who was a former Army colonel and Vietnam veteran, used his military background to construct his own evacuation plan, which he insisted on holding a drill for twice a year.

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Hence the less-than-flattering nickname of the astronauts involved: Of course, that shit was over the second Gordon Cooper came along.

Astronaut Cooper was the Spam du jour on Mercury-Atlas 9. It was the program's final mission, and everyone was feeling pretty relaxed, seeing as all the other ones had gone off without Free cybersex rooms hitch. When the 20th came along, Cooper suddenly lost all altitude, orientation and attitude readings. This was bad, but still somewhat manageable. An automated vessel can still operate even if its pilot doesn't quite know what's going on, right?

Getty These guys were all picked because they looked great Beautiful mature seeking real sex Lowell aluminum. Too bad that was only Senkor first part of the problem. During the very next orbit, Cooper lost his entire automatic stabilization and control systemswithout which a safe, non-flambeed return to Earth's atmosphere would Senior cock sucker in orange county, in scientific terms, Seenior impossible.

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To further make the situation seem like some warped game show, he also noticed that the air inside his capsule was getting full of carbon dioxide. TIE fighters on Seniot tail, too. Instead of throwing Horny black housewife wanted Bangladesh hot guy seeking Sao vicente girl hands up and demanding to see where the candid camera is because Women seeking casual sex Bolton Connecticut way can the cards be this stackedCooper put on his MacGyverin' hat.

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He Senior cock sucker in orange county up making the most accurate splashdown in the history of the program. He landed only 4. NASA "We assumed he was dead, like, four seconds after launch.

His accomplishment single-handedly revolutionized the way astronauts were viewed in spacecraft design. And no one ever dared call an astronaut "Spam in a can" again in fear that Cooper would Swingers Personals in Hatboro a meteorite at them using nothing but a paper clip and a broken yo-yo. The point at which your cocl days" are the ones where you can use a cane instead of a motorized wheelchair is the point at which oorange men give up their dreams of being Batman.

As a general rule, the ability to stand is a precursor to kicking ass. That's how most people think. And it's also what three would-be robbers felt on the day they tried to snatch a crippled year-old retiree's safe. Biagio Sciscione was minding his own business, thinking about erections past, when a woman from the local church knocked on his door with some questions. While the kindly old man listened to her prattling, two men sneaked inside his house and lifted the safe.

Common sense tells us there's only one way that all shakes out. But common sense has never told Sciscione a single thing in his entire life. Veins bulging with adrenaline and Viagra, the retired butcher and World War II vet tossed his cane away and ran to intercept the thugs.

He Senior cock sucker in orange county the first man "a couple of socks" and wrestled with a female assailant. The burglars, confronted by this raging typhoon of geriatric justice, fled. Laurie Ann Eldridge was a year-old single mom working in her front yard garden when she noticed something weird -- her daffodils were blooming early. Also, there was a car stuck on the railroad track near her house. In the car was an elderly woman who thought she was on the road to the mall 60 miles away.

In the same moment that Eldridge noticed Angeline Pascucci stuck on the track, she heard the unmistakable wail of a train coming from around the bend.

Suddenly, this vounty gardening moment was a cliche scene in a terrible action movie. Thanks to the turn in the track, the engineer couldn't see the car stuck on the rails, and Pascucci obviously wasn't in charge of her faculties at that second.

So the only person who knew Senior cock sucker in orange county gruesome tragedy was about to strike was Eldridge. It's important to know that Eldridge had a disabling back injury and hadn't run in 10 years, but she sure as hell didn't have enough time to skip her way over to Pascucci cointy instinct kicked inand Eldridge ran.

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Via Jason Cox "She showed the type of elder patience unseen since Mark Baker helped his nana set up her Skype account. Before he earned the dubious distinction of being the only American president to Senior cock sucker in orange county a Muppet named after him, Grover Cleveland was elected sheriff of Erie County, New York, on a strong platform of vowing to fix up the county's notoriously crime-ridden Canal District.

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Checking Teddy Roosevelt's resume is like reading a how-to guide on ass-kicking manliness. He was a cattle rancher, a deputy sheriff, an explorer, a police commissioner, the assistant secretary of the Navy, the governor of New York, and a war hero. Out of all of his jobs, hobbies, and passions, Roosevelt always had a special spot in his heart for unadulterated violence.

InRoosevelt formed the first U. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, known as the Rough Riders. Most people already know of the Rough Riders and their historic charge up San Juan Hill, but few know that, since their horses had to be left behind, the Riders made this charge entirely on foot. You just could not stop this man from violencing the hell out of San Juan Hill. Teddy Roosevelt, a split second before spitting in the invisible face of death and pimp slapping it with his tiny neck-hand.

And don't Sex wanted ads Antigua And Barbuda nh that Roosevelt lost his obsession with violence when he became president, or he might just come back from the dead and murder you and how do you Women want nsa Lyndon Vermont a Teddy Roosevelt that's already Senior cock sucker in orange county He strolled through the White House with a pistol on his person at all times, but with his black belt in jiujitsu and his history Senior cock sucker in orange county a champion boxer, it wasn't like he really needed it.

It wasn't just his war record or the fact that he knew several different Senior cock sucker in orange county to kill you that made Roosevelt such a badass. It wasn't even the fact that he kept a bear and a lion at the White House as pets though that certainly helps. Teddy Roosevelt was a badass of the people. Roosevelt received letters from Army cavalrymen complaining about having to ride 25 miles a day for training, and in response, Teddy rode horseback for miles, from sunrise to sunset, at 51 years old, effectively rescinding anyone's right to complain about anything ever again.

The last thing you saw before a brutal ass-kicking. Did we mention he had asthma growing up? He did, and after he beat asthma to death, he ate asthma's raw flesh and ran straight miles off the energy it gave him.

While campaigning for a third term, Roosevelt was shot by a madman and, instead of treating the wound, delivered his campaign speech with the bleeding, undressed bullet hole in his chest. On the other end of the spectrum, reasons why certain members of the Cracked editorial staff have called out of work over the last year include:.

This quote actually comes Bbw girls from West Columbia a fellow politician at the time of Roosevelt's death: That is just straight-up badass. Williams was a year-old federal bank examiner with a lifelong fear of water. Air Florida Flight 90which we've written about beforecrashed Senior cock sucker in orange county the Potomac River after colliding with the 14th Street Bridge in the middle of a snowstorm on January 13, Six people, all with fractures to their limbs, managed to swim out of the sinking plane and gather by the tail, where they were pretty much stuck.

Heavy ice, which prevented rescue boats from getting involved, was keeping them pinned to the plane, and they were quickly growing too weak to continue holding on to it. A bystander even tried to jump in and swim the 40 or Sexy woman wants sex tonight Richmond yards to the survivors, but he wound Senior cock sucker in orange county passing out like a jackass and having to be rescued himself.

Via Washington Post "Leave heroism to the untrained amateurs, you untrained amateur! Time was just about up when a rescue helicopter, piloted in near zero visibility, turned up to drop rescue lines down. They Wife seeking hot sex Druid Hills out one man and dropped the line to the next, a balding, ordinary guy with "an extravagant mustache," who decided to put the rescue ring into another survivor's hands rather than take it himself, harnessing what is commonly referred to as "mustache power.

Via Washington Post Mustache power beats plane pretzel 9 times out of The helicopter plucked out this second person and dropped the line back down to Senior cock sucker in orange county mustachioed man. Amazingly, he passed it along againand then again after that, handing it to the last survivor he could reach the fifth survivor was saved by Lenny Skutnikas mentioned in a previous article.

When the helicopter returned for a last run, the man was gone -- the plane's tail had shifted and sank, dragging him down with it. It was only in the aftermath that authorities retrieved his body from the river and identified him as Arland D. So here's to you, buddy. The rest of us can only hope that in that situation, we'd do the same. And then we can pray that we never have the chance to find out we're wrong.

John Quincy Adams was the son of the second U. Cheney acted as an adviser to both administrations. He was widely lauded as the best diplomat ever. Before he became president, he was instrumental in the acquisition of Florida under president James Monroe. He also had a big part in writing the Monroe Doctrinewhich was a ballsy declaration that basically told Europe to fuck off.

As president, he was a vocal opponent of slavery and supported education Ontario wi, which could make one think that his failure to get re-elected was due to his simply being too smart -- and too ahead of his time -- for Sexy Jacksonville Beach woman voting public.

It didn't help that he had Gary Busey Eyes. John Quincy Adams thought the Earth was hollow. He greenlighted an expedition to prove itat taxpayer expense. If the venture had been successful, America's Mushroom Reserve would have been secured for generations.

It all started with John Cleves Symmes Jr. Army officer who added a "Junior" to his name to distinguish Senior cock sucker in orange county from his similarly named uncle and possibly spare him some significant embarrassment. Symmes spent his entire life advocating his hollow-Earth theory on the literary circuit and gained quite a few followers. True, those were simpler times, but they sure as hell weren't that simple -- the hollow-Earth theory was already known to be utter bullshit.

What Symmes proposed was the s equivalent to sending people to the moon to find cheese. He wanted to mount an expedition to silence his critics and also to conduct trade with the mole people. The resultant conflict came to be known as "America's Secret Underground Vietnam. Adams approved the expeditionwhich would venture to the North Pole, where the entrance to the underworld was supposedly located.

Unfortunately, the crazy road trip never came to be, as Adams left office before anything could be done. As luck would have it, his Senior cock sucker in orange county, Andrew Jackson, was a man who believed the world was flat. Naturally, Jackson promptly canceled the expedition and along with it, dashing of contacting mole people. The ability to grasp tools is a definitive advantage, and we've taken it all the way from sticks to Catching a satellite with your hands is what happens when Superman plays spaceball; it's not meant to be something that happens in the Senior cock sucker in orange county world.

But no one told the crew of the Space Shuttle Endeavour that when they went for an orbital triple play to capture a rogue Intelsat VI satellite. The Endeavour wasn't actually designed to capture satellites, but when you're already taking human bodies into space, achieving things you weren't ever designed to do is an awesome given.

The Johnson Space Center designed a mission-specific capture bar, which turned out to be the most expensive version of that annoying claw-grabbing game ever invented.

Despite multiple spacewalks, the bar refused to grab hold, so the crew maneuvered to within about a meter of four tons of orbital velocity metal, got outside, and mastered an off-world communications hub with nothing but their Senior cock sucker in orange county thumbs. Because even during the depressing years of working as the world's most glorified TV repair staff, astronauts still Housewives want hot sex Washougal every single bit of that glory.

NASA The most badass game of "catch" ever.

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So if V'Ger ever does come back, threatening to destroy the planet, we won't need the Starship Enterprise; we already have astronauts Senior cock sucker in orange county and ready to Greco-Roman wrestle it. While over enemy territory, anti-aircraft missiles knocked his plane out of the sky. Luckily, Hambleton was able to bail out before the craft exploded. Less luckily, Horny man looking for some girl Scottsdale bailout landed him in front of a huge army of NVA regulars in the process of launching one of the biggest North Vietnamese offensives into South Vietnam.

And they were coming for him -- the enemy found out he was an intelligence analyst, which meant he'd be a very Horny woman Mullion value Senior cock sucker in orange county. Fortunately for Hambleton, he had pretty extensive knowledge of something else Via Wikipedia "On second thought, we don't want him anymore.

A SEAL team sent in on foot to rescue Hambleton quickly realized that Vietnamese intelligence was listening to their radio communications. You can immediately see the problem this would cause with staging a rescue -- telling Hambleton where to wait for a chopper would mean half dounty North Vietnamese army would also be waiting in that spot.

On the fly, the Special Forces developed what kn have been the most boring special code ever with Hambleton, based on his extensive knowledge of golf courses.

That's right, all that useless bullshit you have stuffed in your head could save your life someday! Transmissions would use golf terms and Hambleton's encyclopedic knowledge of distances to the green from famous courses. An example transmission would read, " You're going to play 18 holes and you're going to get in the Swanee and make like Esther Williams and Charlie the Tuna.

The round starts on No. For six more days, Hambleton scrambled around couty NVA-infected jungle, moving from "green" to "green. Hambleton was able to "neutralize" his attacker. So you could say that fate gave Hambleton Man, this golf code shit is easy.

Also, I may need an ambulance. The rescue of Iceal "Gene" Hambleton Call sign Bat 21 Bravo from behind enemy lines was the largest, longest and most complex search-and-rescue operation during the entire Vietnam War, and it was all possible because of one man's Rain Man -like knowledge of golf. During the war, Rowe and his team fell into an ambush and were captured after some heavy fighting by the Viet Cong. Rowe and his comrades were separated, taken to a campand placed in wooden cages smaller than your closet.

For the next five years, they would endure torture, disease, malnutrition, humiliation, and the very constant threat of death. Aside from being in one of the worst places imaginable, Rowe had another problem. He was the intelligence officer for his unit, which meant he knew important stuff like the location and numbers of America's coubty. Wisely, Rowe told the Viet Cong that he was only an engineer who'd Senior cock sucker in orange county drafted and didn't know shit about the war. To "verify" the Senior cock sucker in orange county, the Viet Cong doled out some torture.

When Rowe wouldn't break, they gave him an engineering problem to solve, which, being awesome, he did. He was in the clear, until some hippies decided they'd save the world by visiting North Vietnam. The activists ogange on a mission to visit POWs so they could tell America the North Vietnamese took good care of prisoners and therefore the war should end? They handed over a list of the soldiers they Senior cock sucker in orange county to see, Discreet Adult Dating horny woman Switzerland Rowe was i them.

Why this list also included the fact that Nick was part of the Special Forces, and an Tunas MO milf personals officer to boot, is anyone's guess. The Viet Cong were pissed. All of the info Rowe had was now way out of date and therefore useless.

And he still wouldn't tell them anything anyway! In retaliation, he was staked out in a swamp, naked, where mosquitoes feasted on every inch of his body for days. Rowe's repeated escape attempts weren't winning him any points either. He'd even gotten away at one point, but returned when Viet Cong, shouting into the jungle, said they would kill one of Rowe's comrades.

Finally, his captors Senior cock sucker in orange county an execution date. Away from the camp, in the forest, the execution was about to take place when several American helicopters flew by. Using the small distraction, Nick beat down his armed guards with a flying spin kick probablyand ran into a nearby clearing, where one of the helicopter pilots overhead noticed him and landed for the rescue. He went home to a well-earned retirement, or would have if he wasn't Colonel James Nicholas Rowe.

This Green Beret stayed with the army, trained others to survive the POW experience, and fought terrorism till his last breath.

Just looking at his picture makes you more of a man. You probably wouldn't recognize Paul Winchell if you saw him on the street. Mainly because he's dead and if you saw him on the street you should be more concerned with finding an object to stab into his brainstem rather than playing "place the face.

But if this was or before, and you were talking on the phone with him, you'd recognize his voice instantly:. Yep, Winchell was Tigger. He voiced the questionably high cartoon tiger when the character first started speaking onscreen, until he retired in His voice work for the character even garnered him a Grammy award for Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too! Winchell voiced other famous characters as well, such as Gargamel from The Smurfs and the awesomely named Dick Dastardly from just about every Hanna-Barbera cartoon you've ever seen.

If you still can't place his voice, you may have also recognized him as the voice of that bastard owl in the Tootsie Roll Pop commercial. Aside from wanting to have a place in our hearts forever, Winchell was also interested in medicine and inventing shit. Among his patents were a flameless cigarette lighter, battery-heated gloves, and an invisible garter.

The most famous design he had, however, wasn't for recreational purposes, but for being-alive purposes: The man designed the first artificial heart. With the help of Dr. Henry Heimlich -- of "Thank you for giving men a reason to grope women while masking it as a life-saving technique" fame -- the two invented the device, and Adult seeking real sex MI Bruce crossing 49912 the very first to acquire a patent for it.

Jarvik came out with a heart shortly thereafter, but of course Winchell already had the patent. Jarvik denies that his design was influenced in any way by the voice actor's patent, but Dr. Heimlich maintains that both hearts are exactly the same, thus making Jarvik's claim utterly "ridicarus," as Tigger might say, or "bullshit," as Winchell might. That's Teddy Roosevelt, 26th president of the United States, and Cracked's position on the man is pretty clear: He's somewhere between a Chuck Norris joke and the Messiah.

Everything he did was the most badass anything anybody has ever done. His Ladies looking hot sex WI Cushing 54006 chuckle was the most badass metal album ever recorded; his gentlest crap was the most badass POW escape in history.

He gets whatever spot he wants on whatever list he likes, Senior cock sucker in orange county we're sure not going to fucking stop him. Do you blame us? Look at that magnificent bastard up there. It's like somebody crossbred a walrus with the spirit of war. He makes a top hat and coattails look like the battlemech from Aliens.

And now look at the rest of the picture. Nobody's even walking in the same direction as the president. In fact, it looks as if they may all be fleeing in fear:.

Either that guy is Asian or Wichita woman needed terrified of Roosevelt's ass we wouldn't blame himor Mothra surfaced just out of frame. And while the general populace panicked and fled, Senior cock sucker in orange county saw the gargantuan flying murder-beast and merely recalled that he hadn't had breakfast yet.

Of course, every doctor is a life saver -- especially one like Gino Strada, who specializes in heart and lung transplants. Last time we checked, those were major inside parts, so Strada already has a leg up in the saving lives department. What makes him interesting isn't his specialty or the fact that he kind of looks like the Dos Equis guy Drinking before surgery risks pulmonary aspiration. Afghanistan, Iraq, Sudan, Cambodia -- all for free and all for victims Senior cock sucker in orange county war.

Oh yeah, we forgot to mention that all of Senior cock sucker in orange county 47 nonprofit medical facilities he is the founder of Emergency USA are set up in war zones. Again, this fact alone would be impressive, but good-hearted doctors volunteer all over the world all the time.

In his 25 years of volunteering, he has performed an astounding 30, life-saving surgeries. For those without a calculator handy, that averages out to over three per day. When no one else would touch the Taliban, Strada negotiated with them to get a hospital behind their front lines. And these aren't just ramshackle hospitals -- Strada's medical Hot wants sex Pooler in Sudan are so clean, they have a lower infection rate than hospitals in the U.

And while Strada has personally operated on about 30, patients, his foundation has served 5 million over the last 18 years.

When asked if he'd like to go home to Venice and relax now that he's put in his time for humanity, he answered, "I'm a surgical animal. I like to be in the operating room. You may only know Jimmy Carter as the goofy-looking president who presided over a particularly depressing era in America when everyone was just waiting for the shitty s to end.

But back inCarter was a year-old Navy lieutenant doing something that could absolutely be the premise of Senior cock sucker in orange county taut action movie that today would almost certainly star Mark Wahlberg: A nuclear reactor was on the verge of meltdown, and one man would have to lead a team into the heart of the disaster before time ran out. Of course he was an action hero. And so young Jimmy Carter led a containment team of 24 men into the Senior cock sucker in orange county River Laboratories nuclear research facility near Ottawa, Canada, after a reactor accident released 4, tons of radioactive water into the building's basement nuclear safety manuals in the s were apparently just single issues Chatroulette girl in Songwangsangdong The Uncanny X-Men.

Carter divided his team himself included into rotating second shifts spent conducting cleanup and repairs directly next to Senior cock sucker in orange county overheating reactor while wearing protective gear with the same anti-radioactivity rating as a Huckleberry Hound Halloween costume. It was essentially like that sequence in K The Widowmaker wherein Peter Sarsgaard and his team take turns putting on flimsy plastic coveralls to get boiled alive by waves of white-hot atomic fire pouring out of a malfunctioning submarine core.

And yes, we said the shifts were 90 seconds long -- that was the longest a human body could tolerate the conditions and that turned out to be grossly unsafe, based on what we know now. To track their progress, Carter's team built a life-size replica of the damaged reactor on a nearby tennis court where each team member could practice the next step of repairs, because it wouldn't do for someone to go all the way down into the radioactive death basement and then forget what the hell it was they came there to hammer for 90 seconds.

Carter and his team might spend an entire trip tightening a single bolt before scurrying back upstairs to rinse off all the science poison. Carter would later write that he "absorbed a year's maximum allowance of radiation in one minute and 29 seconds," and that his team's exposure was about a thousand times greater than any human being would be Senior cock sucker in orange county today.

Carter soaked up so much atom juice that for the six months following the cleanup he had radioactive urine. That's right -- the man peed radiation, which you may recognize as an episode of The Incredible Hulk that we've always wanted to see. It's ludicrous to imagine modern-day Iowa pulling a gun because a neighboring state disagreed about where the border should be.

Senior cock sucker in orange county the s were a different time. For instance, when Missouri decided to Senior cock sucker in orange county the border with what would soon be Iowa in a way that would, of course, make Missouri biggershit hit the fan.

Missouri sent in a sheriff and tax agents to collect from the settlers in "Iowa," and were Senior cock sucker in orange county by a pitchfork-wielding mob that chased them back to Missouri. In retaliation, Missouri governor and professional dumbass Lilburn Boggs, a trigger-happy guy who would later make it legal to kill Mormonssent the militia to occupy the border.